Sunday, December 30, 2012

so. i am 41.
i started this blog 30 days before my 40th birthday.
as a challenge.
here i am..
still feeling like i am stuck in this transitional stage.
of life.
i would like to think most people
know who they are by now.
and i have to wonder am i the only one with 
this struggle.
i certainly know who i DON'T want to be.
but fear of the uncertainty,
the unknown,
keeps me stuck in these chains.

i know, when i look back over 2012,
i have made significant changes and accomplished many things towards who/what i know i want to be.
i have a huge support system in my husband, children, mom and best friend.

but learning to believe in 'me' has 
always been hard.
lack of confidence.
lack of belief.
certainly lack of patience.

when will i have the courage to stop flying with the crowd?

and learn to stand on my own 2 feet!

i would like to believe 2012 was year of baby steps and growth.
i want to shout '2013 is my year of incredible change'.

i owe it to myself to seek 'me'.
and as i watch my sons grow into men, i owe it to them.
to show them a confident mother,that no matter what, she pursued her passion in life.
she stood on her own 2 feet, strong and confident.

so these are my last thoughts of 2012 as i ponder the goals i want to set for myself in the upcoming year.

boys..go out there and grab life by it's horns. do what makes you happy. everyday. you are capable of ANYTHING you set your hearts out to do!



Thursday, December 27, 2012

i remember how hard it was to be 18. so many expectations from the adults around me. to find myself. to make life decisions. to transform from child to adult in a matter of moments. it was a painful time for me. looking back now, i know i made some horrible choices. but i also know i learned from them. became wiser.

now, i am watching my first son go through this transition in his life. and my heart aches for him. the 'mom' in me, wanting to fix it and make it all better for him. 

he is struggling with 'who am i?'
'what am i supposed to be?'
he is experiencing life and making choices.
some that he is regretting. some he is not.

all i can do is be a 'constant' for him.
give advice, whether he wants to hear it or not.
hug him. tell him i love him no matter what.

be there. for him.
stay in constant prayer that he will continue to seek God's will in his life and stay on the path that was formed before he was even born into this world.

this time will pass.
you will come out stronger.
you will come out a 'man'.
love you to the moon and back and more than all the stars in the sky!

Sunday, December 16, 2012

I'm Here....

haven't been here in months.
excuse after excuse i could give.
but that won't change things.
my son actually brought my lack of blogging to
my attention the other day.
apparently he was looking here while at school.
never thought they really cared.
not now. not at this point in their lives.
but it reminded me that it isn't 'now' that matters.
it's when i am gone that i hope they will come here and find a 
little piece of me.
the good. the bad.
and remember.
to read my words and hear my voice.
to look at my photographs and see what i have seen.

but today is a lonely day for me.

i miss my Dad.
i want my Mom near me.
my boys are becoming men and i am feeling the loss almost daily it seems now.
i miss my husband.
life is busy, so is my best friend.

i never wanted to stand alone in life.
i wanted my children to have a childhood like mine.
loneliness leaves one to much time to think.
to remember.
to reflect.

until the next post...
i promise myself and my boys i will work on that.


Sunday, June 17, 2012

Scavenger Hunt Sunday

it's been so long.
not blogging has felt like i lost a friend.
a part of me.
so i called my girl on friday and told her this weeks prompts were a challenge and we needed to 'get back on the horse and ride'! ok, not in those words per! she may have rode the other way!
 i picked her up and we headed into the city for about an hour.
that's all we needed:-)

enough babble; i need to share my HUNT!

1)meet me at the corner
love the angle and perspective i get with old, rusty iron gates!

2)mother nature meets technology
flower stands made with old..i don't

3)one step at a time
high school graduate, my amazing son, starting his future 'one step at a time'!

4)what's wrong with this picture my eyes anyway! loved the purity of queen anne's lace against this rusty old gate. i also loved the angle of this iron fence and the blur of the lilies in the background.
not perfect, but i LOVE them!

5)standing tall
i also love old, TALL, architecture!
lot's of it around here.

so there is our quick HUNT trip to the city for an hour!
hope putting together this post makes me miss blogging even more so i will get back on that horse and ride!


Saturday, June 16, 2012

the chance to be 'me'

most days i know what is expected of me.
wife, mom, daughter, friend, nurse.
the days run into each other.
years go by.
when i started this blog on my 'verge of turning 40' i knew i was finding 'me'.
trying to discover where my life was going.
and who i wanted to be.
trying to choose my path.
make wiser decisions.

so many things have happened in this past year.
good things.
not so good things.
all in all, many blessings.
to many to list.

i know in my heart of hearts what direction i want my life to go.
the problem is how to make it happen.
my desire, passion, creative vision are all there.
it's just the financial hurdles.
i remember several weeks ago i was on a dinner break at work and just happened to drive by a photographer in the middle of a shoot on the side of the road. surrounded by wildflowers.
i was jealous.
really jealous.
knowing i was on my way back to the paycheck that supports my family.
the much needed paycheck.
but, so totally jealous!
i didn't know her circumstances.
but she looked so happy doing what she obviously loved.
i wanted to be in her shoes.
to jump off my road and take the side road i have not travelled.

i cannot change the 'wife, mom, daughter, friend' part of me.
nor would i ever want to.
but i do want change.

i want to have the chance to be


Sunday, May 27, 2012

Scavenger Hunt Sunday

i haven't participated in SHS in a few weeks.
i miss it!!
life gets away with you.
but as i was browsing through all the great prompts on other blogs this morning, i thought i could throw a quick post together as i have been shooting, just not with SHS prompts in mind. so..i may be stretching a few here.
my senior is keeping me busy, so most are from prom shoots!

1)beneath your feet
or dress..captured hidden tattoo!

2)capturing movement
shooting at this wine vineyard was amazing!


4)face your fears
i love 'under the tuscan sun'!
but would i have the courage to jump off a tour bus with my suitcase, buy a run down tuscan villa and start a new life?
this is the winery we shot at.  

prom styles this year.

hope to get back on SHS track here!
have a blessed week everyone!


Tuesday, May 22, 2012


The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

mercy me

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

3 plus 1 = family

it's after midnight.
i am winding down from my shift.
scrolling through my archives.
this picture stood out to me for so many reasons.

but most importantly it represents my family.
i am the wife, the mother, the female, the tulip standing on it's own on the left.
my husband, my two sons, my men, the three tulips on the right.

we are all different in many ways.
three boys. one girl.

so many blessings i have been given!

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Scavenger Hunt Sunday

quick post here. busy. busy.busy.
so take a moment, breathe, and click on over to ashley's blog to check out SHS!
here's my quick takes on this weeks prompts.





no fish here!

have a great week everyone!


Friday, May 4, 2012

3 takes

i was aching to touch my camera today. so i headed out into the yard to check out our wild orange poppies!
they are so beautiful!
i also had my vintage manual canon lens on as i finally got the adaptor to start using them.
here are 3 takes on the same shot.
just a few craetive juices flowing to
get me inspired again!


Wednesday, May 2, 2012

a moment...

life seems to be whizzing by the last few weeks. i need to slow down and 'be still' for a moment. haven't posted in a while OR had the chance to bring out my camera and just shoot.
so this morning i felt a strong desire to drag a photo out of the archives and just play a bit.
this was a random dandelion shot, wasn't the best capture, so i played around with adding a texture and saturation.
it may not speak to anyone but me, but that's okay.

i was still for a moment here.
and that's what i needed.


Monday, April 23, 2012

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt within the heart.
Helen Keller

Sunday, April 22, 2012

All is right...

my days are filled with rowdy, teenage boys. running around like a crazy woman. work. bills. trying to keep a household of testosterone calm as they all try to be 'men'.
it can be nuts. and most days i just want to sit and breathe.
it goes by SO fast and i feel like i miss so much of the important stuff.

but today..

all felt right.
an emotional and moving morning at youth Sunday. watching my boys and other teens shine their light from their God-filled hearts.
i sat there and really saw that i am doing something right in raising my family.
we all took a Sunday afternoon nap as the rain fell.
today was full of love and laughter.
it felt right..good.
my heart felt full.
as it should everyday when life doesn't get in the way.

i will not forget today or the moments in it.
the tender love and attention of my husband. the laughter and love between my sons. the pride of being the woman in their lives.

thank you God for reminding me today of all You have blessed me with, for all the blessings you bestow upon me everyday, even when i don't seem to notice.


Scavenger Hunt Sunday


2)makes me smile


4)splash..of color?

5)in the sun

i would love to hear from you!
have a blessed week everyone!


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Creative slumps...

i hate it when 'life' gets so busy, crazy maybe, that creativity seems to slump. wither slowly, further away.
i feel so much more alive when my juices are flowing.
they are there. waiting to surface. just need to find a moment to let them shine.

i read a blog post tonight by Kim at Picking Poppies about shooting water and oil. i have heard of this several times, but her tutorial REALLY caught my eye. not only for the simplicity of it, but the ability to let my creative juices flow and expand on her example.

so..i know what my Saturday morning will include on my covered front porch..
if i can wait until then!


Sunday, April 15, 2012

Scavenger Hunt Sunday

busy, busy week for me here again.
lucky to steal a few hours with my photobud yesterday and shoot a little. i was having withdrawal..hadn't shot with her in over 3 weeks! thanks Wendy for making the afternoon happen!
so without anymore babble, let's get to my SHS prompts for this week!

this horse had the most simple face but it was strikingly beautiful to me. i wanted to get closer to the fence to shoot but was a little leary of the farmer that my photobud was asking to shoot his corn cob!

oats are grain, right?
an archive shot from my trip to Phili

if you read my last post, i am striving to have my camera with me all the time. i cannot and won't leave it in my van. so..i had to start looking for another bag that would hold my camera and lenses, my kindle, maybe my laptop if needed as well as purse stuff.
searched the bags on the internet but they were kind of pricey for me right now. so..i went to the Vera Bradley sale rack and started looking, opening, imagining.
i found one (of course).
so here is a tiny shot of the stitching.
can't wait to load it up! 
(Vera..can you please make some camera and knitting bags? Thanks!)

had to go to the archives for this one too.
i guess i could have come up with a new shot, but i love this baby girl and her bubbles!

thanks for stopping by!
i am off to see all the other amazing prompts for this week!


Thursday, April 12, 2012

Finding Balance...

my journey has begun.
after being like the dandelion, with little pieces of me blowing away, i am finding my passion for nursing again.
finding my core. 
it is thrilling and scary all at the same time.

and in this moment, being so busy getting trained and a brand new hospital off the ground, i am missing my camera.

i am missing seeing the little things, that brought me peace when i was seeing them through my lens.

so how do i find balance?
to take a few moments each day to capture God's beauty.

this is something i have to figure out.
because i am REALLY missing my love of photography in the last 2 weeks.

how do you find balance?
any advice?


Sunday, April 8, 2012

Scavenger Hunt Sunday

shs again!
long week, so my prompts were kind of thrown together!
hope everyone has a great weekend and a blessed Easter Sunday!

tulips are blooming and beautiful!

one of my new textures i painted this past week.
these words explain 'life' to me.

as much as i LOVE spring blossoms and the newness of the season, my allergies do not. if it's not the pollen it's the fragrance that gets me. BUT i don't let that stop me from shooting, i just do it with a stuffy nose!

this was my first pink prompt..
but then..

i was driving home from the grocery store on Saturday afternoon and happened to see this!
i mean, how many pink trains do YOU see?
had to go home, get my camera, and drive back.
i really need to start having it with me at all times!

i was knitting about a week and a half ago. a hat on circular needles. i was loving the color and texture that was being woven together. i was almost ready to decrease, which is pretty close to the end of the hat and i noticed something looked a little odd.
shouldn't it have been 'obvious' to me that i somehow twisted it around and was knitting it in a twisted twirl?
i tried to undo..
but that is a frustrating task for me!
so..this is what's left of my hat!
can't wait to see everyone finds!
would LOVE to hear from you.