so. i am 41.

i started this blog 30 days before my 40th birthday.

as a challenge.

here i am..

still feeling like i am stuck in this transitional stage.

of life.

i would like to think most people

know who they are by now.

and i have to wonder am i the only one with 

this struggle.

i certainly know who i DON'T want to be.

but fear of the uncertainty,

the unknown,

keeps me stuck in these chains.

i know, when i look back over 2012,

i have made significant changes and accomplished many things towards who/what i know i want to be.

i have a huge support system in my husband, children, mom and best friend.

but learning to believe in 'me' has 

always been hard.

lack of confidence.

lack of belief.

certainly lack of patience.

when will i have the courage to stop flying with the crowd?

and learn to stand on my own 2 feet!

i would like to believe 2012 was year of baby steps and growth.

i want to shout '2013 is my year of incredible change'.

i owe it to myself to seek 'me'.

and as i watch my sons grow into men, i owe it to them.

to show them a confident mother,that no matter what, she pursued her passion in life.

she stood on her own 2 feet, strong and confident.

so these are my last thoughts of 2012 as i ponder the goals i want to set for myself in the upcoming year.

boys..go out there and grab life by it's horns. do what makes you happy. everyday. you are capable of ANYTHING you set your hearts out to do!

blessings!

shay

i remember how hard it was to be 18. so many expectations from the adults around me. to find myself. to make life decisions. to transform from child to adult in a matter of moments. it was a painful time for me. looking back now, i know i made some horrible choices. but i also know i learned from them. became wiser.

now, i am watching my first son go through this transition in his life. and my heart aches for him. the 'mom' in me, wanting to fix it and make it all better for him. 

he is struggling with 'who am i?'

'what am i supposed to be?'

he is experiencing life and making choices.

some that he is regretting. some he is not.

all i can do is be a 'constant' for him.

give advice, whether he wants to hear it or not.

hug him. tell him i love him no matter what.

be there. for him.

always.

stay in constant prayer that he will continue to seek God's will in his life and stay on the path that was formed before he was even born into this world.

Cole..

this time will pass.

you will come out stronger.

you will come out a 'man'.

love you to the moon and back and more than all the stars in the sky!

I'm Here....

haven't been here in months.

excuse after excuse i could give.

but that won't change things.

my son actually brought my lack of blogging to

my attention the other day.

apparently he was looking here while at school.

never thought they really cared.

not now. not at this point in their lives.

but it reminded me that it isn't 'now' that matters.

it's when i am gone that i hope they will come here and find a 

little piece of me.

the good. the bad.

and remember.

to read my words and hear my voice.

to look at my photographs and see what i have seen.

but today is a lonely day for me.

i miss my Dad.

i want my Mom near me.

my boys are becoming men and i am feeling the loss almost daily it seems now.

i miss my husband.

life is busy, so is my best friend.

i never wanted to stand alone in life.

i wanted my children to have a childhood like mine.

loneliness leaves one to much time to think.

to remember.

to reflect.

until the next post...

i promise myself and my boys i will work on that.

shay